It’s ok to take care of yourself Mama

Do you ever find yourself lost in the ebb and flow of life?

Like the tide, one minute you do this, the next you do that. But why?

Do you ever question why? Some places in our lives we just “take life as we come..” sometimes we even change things when we are happy with where we are at because we feel a pressure or current to change the direction of life.

Now, I am not saying that God doesn’t move in those moments too, and listening to the gentle directions is good. But, do you know how to identify which current to follow? or are you unknowingly being swept into an undertow?

Lately I have truly questioned some of the what seems “normal” ebbs and flows of life.

One of them being Motherhood.

I truly enjoy Motherhood. Don’t get me wrong, I love being my daughters mother. ❤

But man, is the pressure on once they turn 1 years old. And if you are a parent, you know exactly what I mean.

“So,……when will *insert name* get a little sibling?” or “so when will you start trying again?”

Thus ushering in the unbeknownst to many mothers “un-natural” ebb and tide feeling.

It is a intense, yet subtle pressure to make a change. Whether meant on purpose or not. Its the focus, the intense and subtle focus. And it truly has been a struggle. And I believe it is a pressure many women feel and accidentally allows to influence their decision making. *note- I do know that it is not the case for ALL families and that it is not always a planned thing. I am mostly speaking of the situations of family planning*

But, I think its very sad. People forget to ask how YOU are, how you are enjoying RIGHT NOW. There is such a small season between children that is not fully enjoyed. Because all people want to focus on is the next big exciting change. ANOTHER CHILD.

I for one decided recently that I wasn’t ready yet. But, I felt this subtle pressure that something was wrong if I wasn’t ready yet. I also recently miscarried. Although it was early (I was not even 6 weeks), I was sadly relieved, and I felt conflicted for feeling that way. I would have gladly made life work for that little one. But, I was grieving over what I felt I had JUST attained. Now, to some that may sound selfish, and some may say “well, children are a sacrifice, and we just have to lay our selfishness down as parents for them.” I only half agree with that.

I would lay my life down for my daughter in a heartbeat. But, I will not lose myself. There is a difference. She was given to me to raise from God, because there is something about WHO I was made to be that is going to help nurture WHO God made HER to be. (same with her Daddy) And if I lose that. I am failing her as a Mother.

If I do not learn to take care of myself and continue to nurture who I AM, I will not be able to pour myself out to her as she becomes who SHE IS. Savvy?

And so, when I lost my little one, I realized I wanted to care for myself a little bit longer and enjoy this point in life in between little Stewarts to not only have one on one time with my girl, but with my Husband and myself. That way when I enter that next season of life (which will come) I will be full and nurtured so that I can pour into 2 children. (which is a lot of selflessness).

I want to enjoy-

how I look in my clothes, and the fact I am at pre-baby weight again and still losing weight.

going out with friends and enjoying a snazzy drink.

work hard and play hard as a family of 3.

have the energy and focus to pursue my hobbies.

spend time with my husband on weekend trips and nights alone. (we all know that gets neglected during baby time)

I am not saying that all women are sheep and letting others shape how they do their motherhood. BUT, I do think a lot of women forget to question WHY they feel like they should do certain things. And then they forget to enjoy seasons of self care. That are SUPPOSED to be there for our own growing and rest.

I think if more women focused on asking how other Moms are doing and ask them about hobbies and passions outside of their title,. we would find a lot more peaceful and fulfilled mothers.

These are my thoughts, and it makes me sad to see so many of my mom friends not know who they are anymore besides “Mom”. And although there is an element of that that is beautiful and normal. Losing yourself completely to that is VERY dangerous.

It is a honor and an important title,  but it should only be a PERCENTAGE of who we are. ( and each women’s percentage is different, but I dont think it should ever be 100%).

We are wild, sensual, loving and strong, a reflection of our Creator. He called us to reflect all facets of Him,. Don’t lose it.

Enjoy each season, and listen to Him on when it is time to go with the direction of the tide.


Thats just me, and what God is teaching me.

Cheers to you Mama’s!

Until next time,

Mrs Stewart


So what if their searching?

Firstly, I have not blogged in FOREVER. And maybe I will blog about why later.

Today I want to write a experience I had while going to my first concert. Yes, I am almost 25 and going to my FIRST concert. And I shared that experience with my Hubby (as the tickets were his birthday gift) But, I lost my concert virginity with The 1975. And it was worth it. 🙂


I am not just wanting to write about how cool and amazing it was, because….IT WAS. But, I want to write about something I saw.

No, not the couple making out in front of us, or the faint smell of vapes or weed. Not even the light show and talent of the bands. But, what I saw God was doing in the midst of that.

One (I have a few) of my favorite songs off The 1975 new album “I like it when you sleep, for you are so beautiful yet so unaware of it” is the song, “If I believe you.”

Before I list the song lyrics. I want to add what the lead singer said before he started the song… (which I cannot quote, but give the main idea)

He stated before the song that he is not sure who or what God is. And maybe its just what we say for when we love each other. Then he says that he envies those with religion. The way he stated it broke my heart… he was so real the whole night.

here are the lyrics..

“I’ve got a God-shaped hole, that’s infected
And I’m petrified of being alone
It’s pathetic, I know
And I toss and I turn in my bed
It’s just like I lost my head (lost my head)
And if I believe you,
Would that make it stop if I told you I need you?
Is that what you want?
And I’m broken and bleeding, and begging for help.
And I’m asking you Jesus, show yourself.
I thought I’d met you once or twice,
But that was just because the dabs were nice
And opening up my mind
Showing me consciousness is primary in the universe
And I had a revelation
I’ll be your child if you insist
I mean, if it was you that made my body
You probably shouldn’t have made me atheist
I’m a lesbian kiss
I’m an evangelist
And “If you don’t wanna go to hell then, Miss,
You better start selling this.”
And if I believe you,
Would that make it stop if I told you I need you?
Is that what you want?
And I’m broken and bleeding, and begging for help.
And I’m asking you Jesus, show yourself.
If I’m lost then how can I find myself?
If I’m lost then how can I find myself?
If I’m lost then how can I find myself?
If I’m lost now then how can I find myself?
If I’m lost now then how can I find myself?
If I’m lost then how can I find myself?
Then how can I find myself?
If I’m lost now then how can I find myself?
Yeah, yeah, yeah
If I’m lost now then how can I find myself?
Yeah, yeah”
The parts I highlighted were the parts that hit me.
“And I’m asking you Jesus, show yourself.”
wow. when I was in the room with at least 500 other people singing those same lyrics. Now, I have been to enough Jesus Culture, Bethel Live events to know how things feel when God is invited somewhere. And I also know our words are powerful things,..
In that moment, I felt God in the room, I felt His heart break for the band and the people there, asking (with or without knowing) for Jesus to show himself in their lives, admitting they are broken and bleeding..and begging for help. (see above in the song)
I felt God say, He was working in their searching.
That because this band, and Matthew Healy (the lead vocalist) wrote their song of searching and asking God where He is. God was working in the searching of their hearts for the crowds they played too, allowing the crowd to open themselves and ask the same question.
My heart was humbled by the experience, not only did God work to get us to the concert, the night was amazing, and I got to see something so precious.
It reminds me, we do not know the ways God is working. For such a time as this, the world is searching. And I am reminded that as a christian culture, we need to stop boxing in what God is capable of. That night, what would seem “secular” to most or just “superficial good time”, I saw peoples hearts searching and for a moment,..worshiping.
We do not know the journey for everyone. We do not need to know. We just need to love. Matt (lead vocalist) even stated that maybe God is just a label for us loving each other. (paraphrasing) ….He makes the connection of Love and God.
We are supposed to love, I was surrounded by people who wanted to be loved and excepted. And all I felt was God showing me how much His heart breaks for their brokenness, and how patient He is for their hearts to search for Him.
So, with that said. I am praying for The 1975 every morning now. God is using them in a mighty way. And I encourage you as well to not see the flaws, (which isn’t our job anyway) but pray that in their searching, God meets them. And in that meeting, they guide others to meeting Him as well.
Again, I am not saying I know the answers. But, what I felt and saw was bigger than our small christian thinking. And I for one, was diggin’ it. Along with the amazing talent and music. What a blessing.
And I encourage you to see them live. Holy cow.  what a night. 🙂
Until my next thought,
Mrs Stewart

Knowing where you are… 

Where are you? 

Not your location physically.

Where are you as a person? 

No, not where you WANT to be… although it’s good to have goals. But, what I want to know is- where are you RIGHT NOW? 

Are you uncomfortable with it? Do you wish you were somewhere else? Or are you enjoying it? Do you tolerate where you are? Or are you trying to escape? Or do you have no idea where you are?

I for one can say I have been a little uncomfortable with where I am at.

Where? Let me tell you. 

I am in the middle of messes. CONSTANTLY. That is where I am at. I am in messy mom world. With my daughter hitting One, all sorts of “organized chaos” became just “chaos”.

She is a doll. But, she also LOVES to make messes. Whether with food, toys or mom and dad’s things. By the end of each day I have picked up multiple messes around our apartment.

You know how exhausting it is. (Some of you may nod and raise your cup of coffee to me silently in a salute from one mom to another) I realized I was SO tired of the messes. Dishes in the sink never being clean for more than 10 minutes, my cupboards being ransacked while making dinner. Crumbs all over the hardwood floor. Tampons and pads littering the bathroom floor. Toys strewn about the house… why? Why? Why? Why must these messes continue? Why must I be so very exhausted!? 

It was because I was not embracing where I was. Oh I knew I was in messy mom world. But I was not wanting to “be ok” there.  I was doing everything I could to look the other way. To look at my childless married friends in envy of their “messy homes” or looking at my parents or in-laws homes with their “empty-nest” clean homes. I was wishing that I could be somewhere else. I didn’t want to be where I was. 

Now, obviously staying somewhere permanently is NEVER EVER ok. No need to get stagnant and stinky. 😉 (ew!) But, some seasons are longer than others. And I realized I needed to find the positive of where this “messy” stage was leading me. 

I have been looking to have a home that looks like we have money, a sense of style and well.. no toddler. (Haha) No wonder I was doubly exhausted. The only thing I could check off from the list above was a sense of style. And the other 2 on there are HUGE factors. Sheesh. 

I also realized I was not enjoying myself at home. I just saw unfinished messes everywhere I looked. This is the first home we have had that we may stay at for a while. And I haven’t done much to “make it ours” for where we are at. 

I have been living upto a goal that I am not at. 

We are not a childless couple who have time and simple taste.

We are artsy parents, with a VERY active child. 

So, you may be asking where I am going with all of this. 

I guess my point is I realized I may not be able to speed this stage a long. But, I can make it as worthwhile as possible. 

I have found since I have viewed it that way, that I am more peaceful, more energy and am enjoying watching my daughters energy. 

Of course there were some productive things I have done to help “where I am” be a little easier. 

Child safety locks on cupboards. (God’s gift to parents)

Decorating our apartment the way Alex and I like it. Not what is unattainable.

Helping Kathryn play in designated areas (still working on this one)

Making our bedroom feel like OUR bedroom. And not a room we sleep in. (This one is huge for my husband and I)

Reorganizing and decluttering our apartment. (Making room for the future)

Being thankful for what we have. (Kind of a “duh” thing to say. But it is easily forgotten)

So, with that. I encourage you all to Figure out where you are. And then instead of escaping or rushing it. To find the “perks” and the tools to help make this season easier or more enjoyable. 

One of my dear friends is single after many years with a guy she thought was “right”. I am proud to say she is embracing and knows “where she is”. And it’s beautiful to watch. 

I also have married friends who are serving in ministry together. They are away from their families 80% of the year. But they know “where they are” and they are a joy to watch. 

I am not where they are. And that’s ok. But I am where I am. A messy active toddler mom. And I want to be fun and a joy to watch for others.

So with that said. 

Where are you? 
Until my next thought,

Mrs. Stewart 

Dying Christmas tree’s and holiday hangovers.

It’s finished. Christmas. The holidays. The christmas tree is brittle and dying. Christmas items are on clearance and people are nursing holiday hangovers whether literal or emotional. It’s over for another year. 

Normally this time of year I am sad and a little lost. I want to wait until the VERY last moments to take our tree down. I normally can’t let go of the glow of the holidays. I would have an emotional holiday hangover. The next year would feel daunting as I think of all the memories this former year has brought. All the gifts lay strewn around the house and I grieve as I sweep the last of the red and green sparkles from our hardwood floor. 

This is me. Usually. I was shocked as this year, I was not feeling my emotional hangover. But I could not figure out why? In fact, I was even catching myself beating myself up for wanting to put the holidays away so early…..

Did I not enjoy christmas? Was I numbing myself for the new year? Why was I so excited to move on? 

Then I realized something. 

A Christmas tree is the perfect example of the end of the year. 

We know it’s coming, but there is still life and wonderful memories as we re-remember the smell it brings the lights and nostalgia. The memories with family and the previous Christmases we had. And then in a blink its over. The tree is brittle. It’s dying. You grieve. But then 365 days later it is here again. 

But, that’s what is supposed to happen. Without death there is no life. 

Without the end of one year. We cannot have another. Without the dying of the tree. We won’t have room for the next years. And it actually becomes a danger to us to let it linger all year. (Talk about a risk of burning your house down)

See where I am going with this? 😉

2016 has shaped me. I grew a year older, hopefully a year wiser. 😉 I got to celebrate my daughters first birthday, make new friends, and celebrate two years with my husband. 

I also had to experience our first flu as a family (ew!), see my nephew in NICU,  and financially struggle in ways that brought my husband and I to tears. 

But that was 2016. 

I realized it’s ok to grieve the year. And the week after christmas is a great way to do that. Ending on such a beautiful holiday. But, I am for the first time not saddened by it. I feel a joy and a peace to let the season of 2016 end. Just as I put our ornaments away today. 

I don’t have new years resolutions. 

But, I have promises and dreams for 2017.

I am looking forward to the new life and adventures it will bring. 

We would like to give Kathryn a sibling.

Become debt free.

Sleep train Kathryn to her crib.

Purge our apartment.

Celebrate Kathryn’s 2nd birthday.

Watch my husbands videos take off.

I feel grateful to have an opportunity to refresh ourselves as a family and as individuals. 

The future is always a little mysterious. But, instead of fearing it. I want to welcome it. 

There will be hardships. And moments where we think it’s the end. But, that happened in 2016 too. We also will find great joy and new memories with friends and family and grow in ways we never knew. 

Some believe it is only great power that can hold evil in check, but that is not what I have found. It is the small everyday deeds of ordinary folk that keep the darkness at bay. Small acts of kindness and love.

J.R.R. Tolkien

I encourage you to look at 2017 with joy and find the courage to welcome it. 
That’s my blurb for today.

And we’ll take a cup o’ kindness yet,
for auld lang syne.

Mrs. Stewart

Please consider the following..

I have been brewing on this blog for awhile now. First going through the emotions I usually do prior to a blog posting… (for some it may be different) first it’s frustration, then wanting to react harshly, then reclusive thoughts, then gentle guidance from God to the right reaction..which then leads to an epiphany.
But first, some back story.

Alex (my Husband) and I LOVE getting to know our child! She is the most beautiful soul to see blossom. We love learning what makes her smile, knowing her little cues and body language make parenting amazing! And we truly spend time processing who she is and what makes her tick. And we know that is apart of our job as her parents. (It’s a great job if you ask me!) 😉
I, personally see that as a parents biggest responsibility- getting to know their children. Just like Jesus knows us. With that being said, I go to my title topic.

Please consider the following.

It’s very, very frustrating as parents to have our reasoning challenged for our children. Or bounderies set for our children disrespected. I say this kindly, but with weight.

Again, I say the next statements in love. BUT, please consider the following.

I find it disrespectful to my God given job as my child’s parent, that people ask everyone BUT me if they can hold her.
It feels sneaky.

Consider the following,
What is your intention to walking straight upto a mother with her child and manhandling them without asking..
What if the mom has struggled to keep their baby well and is braving a social setting only to be bombarded by people fondling her child for their own “baby gratification” rather than thinking of the mothers sleepless nights, sick days and crying herself to sleep hoping her new baby is going to be ok. (And this may sound dramatic to some, but for a new mom and dad.. it’s scary). And yes, their immunity needs to develop but don’t use that as a excuse. Your not the one up with them at night or at the doctors office hoping they are ok.

Consider the following,
For 9 months a mother carries her child, and if it’s her first this is a very new and scary thing to have the child out of her womb and being exposed to 100 new things at once. The mom may not want to share her child right away. So let the mom offer. Don’t make them feel pressure to watch their child go from person to person to person. That can be traumatic for baby and mom.

Consider the following,
The mother and father KNOW their child. And you dont. Seeing photos and videos online does not mean you know them. So when mom or dad says they are overwhelmed easily or maybe need a nap. Or don’t like to be passed around.
Maybe it’s for a reason.
Their job is to help their child feel secure and safe. So don’t challenge that for selfish reasons.
Mothers and Father’s that feel safe and respected for their parenting. Will share their child’s life with you. Without you forcing into it.

Again. This may seem harsh. But I say it in love.

Consider your true intentions the next time you walk up to a baby and their parents. Think of what’s good for them. Not what’s cute and fun for you. It’s their process and life. Not yours. So please don’t be offended.

Let parents do their job.

Until my next thought,
Mama Stewart


Kathryn sleeping ❤

On a cloudy, rainy kind of day..

Rain, rain go away, come again some other day.

But as many of you might know, I live in Washington.So wishing for that is like wishing for a unicorn to prance past you. 😉 And although I love the rain, some days I just don’t want it.

Especially when you are fighting a cold, it just seems to add to the droopy, “I don’t feel good” feelings.


And lately, it seems our little family has passed colds around like its a game. (which its NOT) Today, I am going on trying to catch cold number two, my sweet hubby had one so far, Katy has had two, and today she started to have a suspicious cough. *sigh*

One could feel like it never ends, and boy have I.

It becomes very discouraging, very fast. Especially when some days already take more energy than others, adding someone being sick just makes it even longer, and more tiring.

Today after hearing her little cough starting, my heart sunk, and I could not help but feel discouraged and concerned (because what Mama likes to watch their little one get sick!?) And I could feel a migraine starting, which when I get those, I am useless. And with my husband gone at work, I really could not handle being alone with her and a migraine. So thinking of something that might help both of us. I brought her into the bathroom in her little bouncer and I hopped into the shower. Hoping essential oils in the shower with the steam would help us both, I began to cry. Talking to God and asking Him for help because I knew I could not do it, And thinking of just bumming it on the couch feeling gross and listening to her cough, well I just could not handle it. And in my tears and praying I felt God give me a picture.

I saw our window open, clean home, essential oils on the stove, and the tv off. And I felt Him saying to be with Him. To let him clean us both, on the outside and the inside. And relief set in. (crazy how He works)

So, after my shower I hopped out, and got her ready for a bath, I went out and turned the tv off (which I had been watching all morning) picked up a little, opened a window, put some worship music on. After her bath I got her nestled in her bassinet, and I cleaned up the apartment a little (to where I felt clean, I did not want to over-do my still healing body) and since then, its been peaceful. Her cough has gone down, my migraine disappeared and I feel like this season of “illness” will go away.

With that said, God started to bring to my attention that our bodies will get sick, but if I was not careful I would miss precious moments with my sweet daughter, even in the illness. Which over my few days with a cold, she has decided to start rolling over, grabbing toys, trying to sit up and found her feet! *insert proud mama moment* 🙂

And I realized just as sickness comes and goes, so will those moments.

Everything is so fleeting, good moments and hard moments. And I think to often we linger to long on the hard moments, and sometimes we miss the sweet ones that are in the midst of them. And on top of that, lingering to long on the hard or “bad” moments isn’t healthy for our souls. And I for one, want to show my daughter that its good to acknowledge the hard moments or sick times in our life, but then to focus on the things that truly matter.

So I guess this is more of a epiphany for me.

Therefore we do not lose heart.Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.” 2 Corinthians 4:16-18

Like the verse says, so I will do what I can for my body, and for my Daughters. But my true goal is to show her by example that no matter what comes her way, sickness, hard times, or “momentary troubles” that it is achieving something she cannot see. And that, I think is something I need to remember. To not let the momentary troubles take away from the moments I get with her to help nourish her soul. (along with how to take care of her body)

So, I guess that is my thought for today.

Until my next thought,

Mrs. Stewart




Motherhood is Lonely


And I know some think being with your child 24hrs a day, how could you mean lonely?!
Or even, You have your Husband don't you?!
And my answer would be Yes, and I love their company. I really do!

But, I know other Mama's must agree? Motherhood is lonely.

I noticed it as soon as she was born. But it did not truly set in until the
8th week postpartum that I started to get a little postpartum blues and it amplified 
what I already felt. A loneliness and distance to my sweet husband and daughter 
crept in and I could not kick the feeling.

The thoughts of-
Whats the point of changing clothes, I wont see anyone today..or ever.
When will I ever get me time?
I want to just run away for awhile.
I feel lumpy and unattractive, we have not had sex in months...
Who would want to hang out when all I do is feed her all day..

I started to allow all of those thoughts to add to my loneliness. Which made me
come to realize that the loneliness was not as much physical as it is mental and
*note this is me being realistically honest-so know some is "private".

I start most days with my sweet daughter, which socially includes a whole day
of gibberish and silly conversations with her or myself. And a few hours before
bed with my husband.

If my day is productive I will have taken a shower and changed into lounge-wear, no 
make-up, hair up and my droopy boob nursing bra (can you tell I feel lumpy in it?!)

Next..well, lets just say anyone with kids knows ANY intimacy with your husband 
after a baby is difficult, let alone adds to the loneliness emotionally and makes
it hard to feel sexy if you never have time to "be" sexy for him. (especially if
it is one of your love languages-physical touch. For more on that read- 
"The five Love Languages" by:Gary Chapman)

And then if I do go out, I felt I could barely chat with people because its hard
for me to nurse in public with a cover, so I usually pulled away to nurse. (insert
more anti-social feelings)

I also felt I had no time to myself for a long time, so art, painting my toenails, 
playing a video game, just "vegging out" well, lets just say I am jealous of my 
husband. ;)

then, at night the lights go out, my husband falls asleep, and its just me. Alone.
with my thoughts and a sleepy daughter at my boob. And this happens more than once a
 night. which night after night can become a very lonely time.

And then you start it all over again.

Now I am not saying this to complain, but in a sense I found that it is a real thing
for a lot of Mama's I think.

And it has taken a lot of praying and asking for help to kick myself out of it.
But even after conquering the pp blues. I still feel the loneliness.
 It's funny how, all I want is to be Alone. but not lonely. 

"Its funny how, all I want is to be Alone. but not lonely."

Then slowly I started to realize, I should not look at it as loneliness..
but opportunity.
Opportunity you say? where did I get opportunity from loneliness? 

But I realized a few things-

1. Those mornings and days of babble and silly conversations. I am teaching her.
2. If lounge-wear is all I wear for the day. Its okay.I should get dressed for the day
whether I go out or not. Its a way I can take some time/do something for me.
3. As much as intimacy is very important with your spouse, instead of letting that 
keep us farther apart, we use it to remember our friendship and grow to love each other
in new ways.
4. My nights, oh how they ebb and flow from a good 6hr night, to a snorty stuffy nosed 
2hr night. But I realized this is not only bonding time with my sweet girl, but time I
can spend talking to God, or take some time to play a game on my phone (hey its the 
little things). 
And lastly, to make myself go out and BE with other Mama's. So I kicked my butt into
gear and started going to MOPS again! (which I encourage other mom's in my boat
to do) It reaches into that loneliness and shakes it off and gets you to laugh and
know you are not alone. (even though sometimes you WANT to be ;) )

And with the help of my sweet husband, I now have my painting stuff laying out on our
dining table, that way if my girl takes a nice nap, or is playing on her mat, I can
do something for me. 

These are things I had to realize are important to my growth and energize who I AM.
As a mother, wife and individual. And I think that loneliness never fully goes away, 
because no one ever can be "MOM" for your little ones. But, grieving over what WAS
and finding out what IS will energize and help that loneliness creep away.

So, I guess with that said. To any Mama's out there with that feeling- I say it's
normal. And a element of it has to be grieved over and accepted. But what you choose
to do with it after that is up to you. And asking for help if you can't start it 
yourself is okay! (this being said by a VERY independent personality)

I love my family, my life, my husband, and my sweet daughter.
Its a beautiful, crazy, and new adventure. (every day!)

And I release myself to have lonely days, as long as I don't "live there."

So with that, I leave you with a thought.

What energizes you in those lonely moments?

Until my next thought,

Mrs. Stewart